Face it, gentlemen: for every important journey you undertake in your life, you need a wise guide to shepherd you through to the Promised Land. Moses had the burning bush. (Or was it God?) Lewis & Clark had Sacagawea. Frodo had Gandalf the Grey. (Or was it The White?) Daenerys Targaryen had Tyrion Lannister, the “Hand of the Queen.”
And now, you, Mr. Modern Bachelor, are set to embark on your own epic quest: to wind down from the stresses of your work week, venture out into the dark unknown with your trusty lieges and squires, and find the treasure you seek in the form of libations, mirth making… and hopefully the companionship of a new female friend and would-be queen to your kingdom???? Surely your warrior training has adequately prepared you for this quest, but for it to end in ultimate success, you must choose a worthy, battle-tested guide.
Why is going out to nightclubs to party such a hassle?
It’s not…. if you have the right guide on your side. Worry not, m’lord: here to advise, protect, and serve you is Discotech, the world’s #1 Nightlife App! The essential venue, event, and pricing information you may peruse in our app will function as your all-seeing, all-knowing Oracle.
On top of our app, we – the members of the Discotech Operations / Customer Service team – are the high priests of the Oracle. We are your (not-so-humble) servants in human form for navigating the magical yet sometimes confounding terrain that is Nightclub-land. So then, gird your loins and steel your hearts for battle lads: here is your trusty sidekick Discotech’s 10-point roadmap for you brave bachelor adventurers to navigate your journey.
1. Eat a hearty dinner meal.
First things first: make sure you have something of substance in your stomach prior to starting the pre-party drinking. You DO NOT want to be the one in your group that has to be sent home in an Uber or Lyft early for getting sick before the club hits its peak. This one is Partying 101 gents…. if you can’t get this one right, then there’s probably no need to read any further. (But oh you will, won’t you?)
2. Manscape… please, manscape.
One of the keys to success is setting the stage and leaving no stone unturned – not even the tiniest pebble – in preparing for the positive outcomes you want to achieve. You’re going through all this trouble because the woman of your dreams presumably lies waiting under those neon lights. If – no wait, WHEN! – you meet her, you’ll want to make sure that your chance encounter and her immediate perception of you does not get derailed because of something as dumb and simple as long nose hairs, body odor, or a messy hairdo (unless of course, your unstyled is somehow stylish). They say first impressions are everything, and personal grooming is really the easiest “stitch in time that saves nine.”
3. Dress to impress.
You would think this slightly overused phrase is a no-brainer of a suggestion, but “What is the dress code?” is one of the most commonly asked questions by guests on our Discotech customer service help line. Every club has different dress code standards; some are more lax than others. Also, warm-weather cities (e.g. LA, Miami) generally have more relaxed dress codes than other cities (e.g. SF, NYC, Chicago). We always suggest you reach out to a particular club on their Facebook page to verify acceptable forms of fashion to guarantee entry for any particular event. However, it’s always best to err on the side of caution; if you’re unsure, just go by our Discotech dress code standards and you’ll be just fine.
4. Arrive at the venue on time.
As we all know from experience, there’s a fuzzy gray area between “when the club opens” and “when they’re no longer letting anyone in unless someone leaves” and that, good sirs, is where “Got here on time” resides. You don’t want to be standing in an empty club for 30 minutes drinking by yourself when your raging pre-party could have gone on longer. Alternatively, you also don’t want to wait in line for 30 minutes while inside the bass is dropping and the crowd is full-throat screaming. Every club has a different optimum sweet-spot time to arrive; in Vegas, LA, and most major cities, the general rule of thumb is within 60 to 90 minutes from the venue’s opening time. That being said, the hotter the club or the higher in demand the performing artist, the sooner after opening you should arrive to give yourself the best odds of getting in.
5. If you can afford it, line up VIP bottle service.
The bottom line: there are plenty of tried-and-true ways to party, but the one will make you look like a superhero and thus increase your chances of meeting women is going the VIP route. Related to this: the best way to advance to the next screen with that fetching stranger in the club is to invite her AND her friends to advance to the next screen with you and your comrades! Cheat code: There’s no easier way to do this than having a dedicated space for the lasses to sit and your own private bar for the lasses to imbibe heartily whilst entertaining your advances.
6. Pace yourself & control your alcohol consumption.
THIS. IS. THE #1. RULE. OF. PARTYING.
You’re not only there to have a good time yourself, but to NOT infringe on other people’s good time. This means:
A) Don’t get so wasted that you’re saying or doing things your mother or sister would be ashamed of.
B) Don’t get so wasted that you burden your friends or the club staff to have to take care of you (or kick you out).
C) Don’t get so wasted that you don’t remember the good time you were having for the money you’ve committed to spending.
7. Respect the club staff.
The door staff, security, and service staff exist to make sure you get your money’s worth in terms of entertainment. Many of the best ones in the industry are willing to go the extra mile to make that happen, especially if you are willing to throw them an appropriate gratuity to satisfy any custom requests you have within reason (i.e. serving your drink quicker, bringing females into your VIP section, setting you up with a birthday sign and sparklers). All that said, the club staff are PROFESSIONALS – paid employees who act professionally and meet people like you, spending money just like you, night in and night out. It may be a special occasion for you, but for them it’s just another weekend and they’re trying to do their job, collect their paycheck plus tips, and go home to put food on the table for their loved ones. They’re not your enemies, they’re your allies: use them as additional teammates to make your good time even better.
8. Respect the women you meet and chat up.
We get it: you’re buzzing, and now the DJ is playing your song. The girls look nice… and smell even nicer… and are equally buzzed… and getting flirty with you. Everyone’s laughing at your jokes. Oh, and you’re starting to get a one-track mind (and beer goggles!).
But dude, it bears repeating:
DO NOT SAY OR DO THINGS YOUR MOTHER OR SISTER WOULD BE ASHAMED OF.
Which aptly leads us to the next of your guideposts…
9. Plenty of fish in the sea.
Hey man, we’re nightclub experts, not dating coaches! There are PLENTY of other resources floating around the internet (Alpha M, for example) for you to get tips on how to close the deal, from that instant you lean over to yell into the ear of that pretty woman above the thumping bass until she subsequently accepts your offer for a drink. But we’ll leave you with this gold nugget of Oracle wisdom: a “NO” or “I’m gonna go now” is ALWAYS a perfectly acceptable answer from a female stranger, regardless of where the conversation had wandered prior to that point. It’s acceptable 2 minutes into a conversation. It’s acceptable 2 hours into a conversation, and it’s NEVER EVER EVER not acceptable or disrespectful. If you don’t believe us or agree with us on this, then proceed at your own risk and brace yourself for a rocky road ahead – you’ve been warned.
10. No man left behind.
The lights just came on, the service staff is pulling all the alcohol from the VIP tables, and people are heading for the exits. Whatever happened in the club tonight is (God willing) staying in the club tonight. Well, except for your homies. Rewind to the beginning of the night: you and your boys, experienced veterans of battle that you are, delegated one of your crew to be the sober – or just the least drunk! – watchman of the party. It might be the married guy, or the guy who’s kinda allergic to alcohol, or the guy who has an important work call tomorrow morning, or the guy who works in nightlife and parties for a living. (Cue every Discotech employee raising their hands.) But hey, it has to be one of you…. and THAT DUDE is your savior who is going to round up everyone at the end of the night and herd them into the taxi / Lyft / Uber. It sounds like a burden for that chosen one, but it’s totally not… especially when your crew starts going out regularly and you’re rotating responsibility of being the most important guy in the group (and the club, for that matter). Trust us, assigning a member of The Night’s Watch does wonders for the safety, sanity, and long-term friendship bonds of the group. Added bonus: this watchman always has THE BEST (and most accurate) stories over brunch the next day… and they’re epic tales, the kind that you and your clubbing crew will relive and retell until the day you retire from the clubbing game altogether.
OK guys, we admit: we fibbed ever so slightly. A guide in our realm is a luxury, but not a necessity. Navigating this magical Nightlife-land is quite doable on your own… particularly if you have deep pockets. If you are fortunate enough to have the disposable income to go out and party a few nights a year, then you’re already 98% of the way to achieving your desired end game to meet a lucky lady in the club. That other 2%? Well, that’s where we come in. The Discotech platform – featured on BBC Travel, highly reviewed on Yelp!, available to download in both the